Parenting Alone: Overcoming the Fear of Being Left Again

When you’ve been left to parent alone, it leaves a mark. I know because I’ve been there—wrestling with the sleepless nights, the endless ‘to-do’ lists, and the deep, gnawing fear that it could happen again. If you’ve ever faced the heartbreak of a partner disappearing, leaving you destitute and carrying the weight of parenting on your own, you know how it feels: the worry becomes part of you, shadowing even your happiest moments.

But why do moms often feel overburdened and afraid that fathers won’t always be there? And more importantly, how do we move past that fear to reclaim peace and build a secure future for our kids?

Let’s unpack these questions together.

Why Moms Feel Overburdened

In many societies, mothers are still seen as the “default parent.” A 2020 report from the Pew Research Center revealed that even in dual-parent households, mothers shoulder a disproportionate amount of childcare and household responsibilities. When fathers are absent—whether physically or emotionally—this imbalance becomes overwhelming.

For moms who’ve been abandoned, the fear runs even deeper. It’s not just about doing the work of two people; it’s the haunting memory of having to figure out how to survive when everything fell apart. That experience doesn’t just drain you physically—it changes you emotionally. You become hyper-aware of every small risk, constantly bracing for the next time someone walks away.

For me, this fear wasn’t just about the financial strain (although that was hard enough); it was also about the emotional toll on my children. I remember asking myself: What if I’m not enough? What if I can’t protect them from this pain?

Why Fathers Disappear

Understanding why fathers disappear doesn’t excuse the behaviour, but it can help you put some of those lingering fears into perspective. Research published in the journal Fathering highlights some of the reasons men disengage, including financial insecurity, unresolved conflict with the mother, and feelings of inadequacy. Some fathers don’t know how to navigate the emotional complexities of parenting, especially after a breakup. Others feel overwhelmed by societal expectations or personal struggles and retreat instead of reaching out.

But here’s the thing: fathers who disappear often carry their own shame and regret. It’s rarely about a lack of love for their children. Knowing this doesn’t erase the hurt they caused, but it might help you realise that their absence was more about them than it was about you.

Why the Fear Stays With Us

Even when you’ve rebuilt your life after being left to parent alone, the fear of it happening again can linger. Psychologists call this “anticipatory anxiety”—a fear rooted in past trauma that makes you hypervigilant about the future.

In her book “Daring Greatly,” Brené Brown talks about the “foreboding joy” that comes from being afraid to fully embrace happiness because you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop. As a single mom, that resonated with me deeply. Even when things were going well, I’d find myself questioning: What if he leaves again? What if I end up back at square one?

These fears aren’t irrational—they’re rooted in real experiences. But they don’t have to control your life.

How to Overcome the Fear

Moving past the fear of being left again is no small task, but it’s possible. Here’s what I’ve learned from personal experience and research:

1. Build Financial Independence

One of the biggest fears for single moms is financial insecurity. When someone leaves you destitute, you learn the hard way that independence is survival. Start by creating a financial safety net, even if it’s small. Open a savings account, learn about budgeting, or explore income streams you can rely on. Books like “Smart Women Finish Rich” by David Bach offer practical advice for building financial stability.

Knowing you can stand on your own, no matter what happens, is one of the most empowering feelings in the world.

2. Set Clear Boundaries

If you’re co-parenting with someone who has disappeared before, set clear expectations about their role. Don’t be afraid to communicate your needs, even if it feels uncomfortable. And if they fail to show up, remember that it’s not your job to fix or chase them. Focus on what you can control.

3. Lean on Your Village

Parenting alone doesn’t mean doing it without support. Lean into your community—whether it’s family, friends, or even online groups for single moms. You don’t have to carry everything on your own. For me, finding a network of moms who understood my journey was life-changing. They reminded me that I wasn’t alone, even when it felt like it.

4. Heal Your Inner Wounds

Healing from abandonment is about more than just moving on—it’s about addressing the deep scars it leaves behind. Therapy can be a powerful tool for unpacking those fears and learning how to trust again. If therapy isn’t accessible, journaling, meditation, or books like “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk can help you process the trauma.

5. Focus on Your Strengths

You’ve already proven how strong you are by surviving the hardest days. Remind yourself of that resilience. Celebrate your wins, no matter how small. You’re doing an incredible job raising your kids—even if you feel like you’re barely holding it together some days.

Letting Go of the Fear

Letting go of the fear of being left again doesn’t mean pretending it could never happen. It means trusting yourself enough to know that even if it does, you’ll survive it.

I’ll never forget the day I realised I wasn’t afraid anymore. It wasn’t because I had all the answers or a perfect safety net—it was because I knew I had the strength to rebuild if I had to. And that strength gave me the courage to embrace the joy in my life without constantly looking over my shoulder.

For Moms Like You

If you’re reading this and carrying that same fear, I want you to know that you’re not alone. Parenting alone is hard, but you’re doing it—and that makes you extraordinary. It’s okay to feel scared, and it’s okay to lean into your village when you need to.

Most of all, remember this: you are enough. No matter who stays or leaves, your love and presence in your children’s lives is more than enough to help them thrive.