The Long Standing Heartbreak

March is a very sad month for me, I lost both my grandparents and my niece within one week in March 2013.

To lose a loved one is such a devastating experience, it's quite traumatic actually. My grandmother was diagnosed with cancer and within days of hearing these news my grandfather had a heart attack and passed, when my grandmother heard that the love of her life was gone, I could just see it in her face that her fighting spirit just died. So I thought, today let me try to re-focus my energy, away from my pain and towards my blended story. Here's a little history.

Looking Back

“I guess being blended is in my DNA, I'm not sure whether this is a good or bad thing but it is what it is.”

Let me start with my grandfather and how we have the surname that I am using to this date. My grandfather's (my mother's father) mother MaMthiyane was a single working mother and the day when my grandfather was meant to start school her partner Mr Mkhize helped her with the kids because she was at work. When he registered them at school he registered them under his surname, I am assuming this was because he needed to use his ID to register them and this is the short story of how I became a Mkhize. Nonetheless, although my grandfather did not talk much about Mkhize, I know that he played a pertinent role in my grandfather's upbringing.

My grandmother (MaMakhanya) is the eldest daughter of MaCele and when her father Mr Makhanya passed on, her mother met Mr Mbhele which she had more kids with (3 more, if I am not mistaken). When my great grandmother (MaCele) passed on, my grandmother saw it fit for her and all her siblings to use the same surname which caused a rift between them that lasted over a decade. However, luckily for us they managed to bury the hatchet and work things out, so much that today we have a relationship with our aunts and cousins from Mr Mbhele.

So what's my mother's story?

My mother is the eldest daughter of MaMakhanya and Mr Mkhize (my grandparents), when my grandparents met my grandmother already had 3 boys and in their marriage had 3 more kids ( a boy and two girls).

When my mother was young, her eldest siblings did not live in the same household as them. Some of them were in boarding school or living with family members. My grandfather (although there were many conflicts, conflicts that took place even when we were born) was the only father figure my uncles had, he was their father. My uncles wished for no other father, well this was my observation. To date the relationship between my mother and all her siblings is a great one, one that is filled with love and acceptance. My mother and her siblings have each other's backs and except for the normal siblings rivalry. I have never seen any malice or jealousy.

When I look at the love and respect they have for each other, the unconditional love, shows me that my grandparents must have done something right.

My generation, what has worked?

"Unity. Love. Acceptance.”

The values that my grandmother taught us, I remember growing up that my grandmother would make sure that all her grandchildren found their way home. She managed to give each and everyone of us love, we all felt like we had a special relationship with her, and to this day I ask myself how did she do it!

Well with this generation the blendedness continues, three of my grandparents offspring have their own blended families, although the others who did not still had to co-parent at some stage, go through a divorce or separation.

My mother for example had me when she was only 21 (but was already a qualified radiographer at that time), she and my father split, then she met my brother's father through a friend at MEDUNSA and had my brother at the age of 32. She married my stepfather traditionally but for some reason or the other it did not work out.

Today, after having my daughter at the age of 24 whilst finishing off my studies at UJ (Auckland Park Campus), I find myself raising my own blended family. I met my daughter's father at the age of 18 and had a roller coaster of a relationship until 2013, when I decided we should raise my daughter separately AKA co-parent. Surprisingly when I thought I am DONE with relationships, I met my amazing partner in life. Who has his own children, three to be exact.

When I look at this trend, it becomes obvious to me that being in a blended family is in my DNA and dates back to my forefathers, whether this is a good thing or not...I do not know! Some would say it is a generational curse, some would call this a lot of other bad things.

This though is my life, I love it and I am unapologetic.

Get Inspired

So, what I have been asking myself - is being in a blended family a blessing or a curse? Does it mean there is something wrong with you or your family for living this cycle? Or is it unrealistic societal standards which have been set to try and make people like me to feel out of place in society?

I would love to hear your take?

Mine is - life is difficult for all people, each and every individual is dealing with something or the other that is challenging them daily. It is what we call life. Nuclear families have their own challenges, challenges that someone in a blended family may think is easier, but if you were to be in their shoes would you cope?

Love the family you have been blessed with, it is special and it is a GIFT to you, cherish it.

Yours In Love

ZAMA MKHIZE

Blended In Love SA